


try harder and harder

by JadeLupine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blowjobs, Emotional Sex, Fingering, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Romance, Sex, erwin feels more about his arm than he shows and levi is a concerned slut bb, its literally just a lot of sex and angst tbh, striptease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 05:56:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2258337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeLupine/pseuds/JadeLupine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i><br/> “I can’t even make love to you anymore without falling over.”</i>
</p>
<p><i>Loving Erwin, that one-armed man, that cripple with the brilliant eyes, it was like dancing to no music. Or swimming on dry land. Levi touches the man’s tremendous shoulder, feeling the cords and ropes of muscle beneath the naked skin.<br/></i> </p>
<p>After Levi rescues Erwin from the government and certain death, they finally get to fuck. Or try to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	try harder and harder

**Author's Note:**

> Second Eruri fic ever oh my god.   
> Also this is me trying to alleviate my grief toward the upcoming chapter, and whatever happens to bb Erwin.

Levi could see Erwin from far behind in the crowd, the commander’s golden hair glinting as he knelt on the scaffold. Five minutes, and they would make him rise, and lead him to the gallows – noose around his neck and brilliant blue eyes rolling up into his neck. Something acidic burns in Levi, like bile. A hand trembles on his horse, but Hange catches his arm warningly, her glasses flashing perfunctorily. Not now, Levi. So he watches. He watches as the minister reads out Erwin’s list of crimes, sending over five hundred men to their deaths in his time as commander, confirming executions of eight deserters, the battle of Stohess, the breach of one wall and another, all the crimes were laid out accordingly on Erwin’s broad shoulders, but it didn’t seem to weigh him down. The ball-sucking bastards forgot to mention, Levi’s nose flares slightly, the intense love the man had toward the prospect of humanity. They didn’t mention the feeling of his large hands on Levi’s skin, the way his arms (when he had had both) curved around Levi’s lithe frame, binding them like a tether. That was not on Erwin’s long, long list of crimes.

Levi watches, still from his aggravating distance, as they untie Erwin’s bonds, leading the ban to stand. His legs faltered slightly, his cheek was bruised; there was a cut above his eyebrow – Levi’s eyes narrowed as he hissed. Erwin was dressed in full military regalia, although he had not been wearing uniform when they took him away, he wondered where they had gotten that brown Survey Corps jacket that he was wearing. They lead him slowly to the gallows, and the crowd is silent. The crowd. The crowd is the only thing Erwin’s eyes seem to take in as they lead him to the noose, the almost kilometer wide expanse of hundreds, thousands of faces, all who came to watch Commander Erwin Smith get hung. Levi’s stomach twists at the sight of something deep and unaccountably sad in Erwin’s blank, placid face, even as they stood him on the scaffolding, preparing the noose.

 “Now!” Hange screamed, her eyes flashing as she broke the shrill silence. “Eren, Armin, Jean, control the crowd! Connie, Mikasa, take the guards with me! Corporal Levi, get the commander, _now!_ ”

As Levi rode toward the man, he saw Hange get there first with her gear, and knocking out the guard who stood next to Erwin, before turning her back on him to face the other Military Police, Eren yelling profanities as he kept the thronging crowds away from Levi’s horse. He rides up to Erwin and beckons the blonde to get onto his horse, and to do it _now_. Thankfully, Erwin complies, stumbling toward Levi and somehow climbing onto the horse, his balance failing as he tried to hold on with his missing arm. Levi does not listen to anything as he gallops through the crowd, Hange and the others close behind him, he does not hear anything, nor feel anything except the touch of Erwin’s arm around his waist, his head resting heavily over his shoulder. He did not let himself hear or see or feel till they get to the open countryside, nearing headquarters and away from the city, that’s when he finally lets himself breathe.

“Can you not breathe so heavily, old man?” Levi mutters. “How much fucking creepier do you want to get?”

“I expected a ‘You almost died, Erwin, I love you.’” A laugh, breathy and barely there, escapes the commander’s throat. “Why on a horse, Levi? You wanted to be Prince Charming, heh?”

“Shut up.” Levi’s eyes narrowed, although his heart feels strangely euphoric at the sound of Erwin’s voice, even if it was cracked and breathy and almost gone. “It was a horse because I can’t carry your huge ass with just the gear.”

“Ah. Always the considerate.” Erwin takes a hitching breath before falling forward onto Levi’s shoulder, his shoulder slamming heavily into the younger captain as he lost consciousness. His right side feels so light; Levi tastes anger in his throat. He relishes the weight on his back, his lover, his kisses at night, his fucker. He thinks, maybe, with a steely desperation – it would all go back to normal, that Erwin would stride around like a bossy, prissy asshole in the morning, and fuck Levi’s at night. That Erwin would look at him with brilliant blue eyes and let Levi sit on his lap and run fingers through his hair, that Erwin would walk around with a stern, pinched expression that the younger guards made constipation jokes about. He hopes, but when he turns to look if they were being followed, he turns from his right and sees the flapping sleeve where his lover’s arm once was.

Levi feels like he is burning.

…

Erwin is half-conscious as they reached their barracks, Levi slinging the large man’s remaining arm around his shoulder and walking him to his room, sitting him down on the bed.

“Do you want to rest?” Levi asks with the air of a reluctant nurse. “Or can I clean up your wounds?”

“Heh, I’ve rested enough,” Erwin smiles, and it looks somewhat like his old smile. “I’m not injured, Levi, you don’t have to nurse me. They’re just bruises.”

“Bruises are fine.” Levi mutters through gritted teeth, lifting the substantial first aid kit over to Erwin. “Not when they’re bruising on that mass of nothingness they call your arm.”

“How sensitive.” Erwin raises his eyebrows, before a seized sort of look crosses over his face, his cheeks paling. His lips are drawn tight, eyes narrowed, and Levi feels a surge of alarm that he will not admit is concern.

“What is it, spit it the fuck out.” Levi is crass in his fear. “Did they hurt you anywhere else? Did they cut off your fucking toes?”

“Remove this uniform. The shirt and the jacket, Levi. Take it off. Now.” Erwin’s voice was ringing, and Levi frowns, bemused.

“What the fuck?” His voice drips with relief as he helps Erwin out of the brown jacket and white shirt. There is something wrong with those clothes – they are too small, the sleeves tight and the buttons straining, but only slightly. Levi forces casualness into his voice. “Where did you get this stuff? I mean the king and shit, where did they get your uniform?”

“It’s not my uniform.” Erwin’s voice is hollow as he sits shirtless, somehow oddly, vividly pitiful with the arm ending abruptly beneath the shoulder, purpling bruises littering his sculpted torso.

No fucking duh, Levi thinks with a touch of asperity.

“They killed a man, one of our rear guard who was imprisoned.” Erwin says dully, looking at Levi’s pale lips. “Because he was somewhat the same size as me, and they needed me to be in full, smart uniform.”

“Nobody’s as big as you, fuckwad.” Levi muttered, before running his fingers across the other’s chest, feeling the bruises and minor scratches. “You’re right. They only beat you up, didn’t torture you. I wonder if you’re injured in other places, Commander.”

“More so than you know, Levi.” Erwin smiles, sardonic.

“Don’t be so fucking sentimental. I meant your cock.” The captain sinks down onto the other’s lap, and moves his hips slowly on Erwin’s thighs as he pushed his lips into the commander’s feeling the salt of sweat and earnest longing. It was a slow, sexual kiss, some sort of sadness drawing them in but Levi does not know if it comes from him or Erwin. He pulls away from his lips, and whispered some curse as he kisses the strong jawline, the bruise on his neck. He moves his lips to every salty bruise, wondering if it could heal the man. Kisses the scabbing scratches and the hardening nipples, lifts his left arm to kiss the bloody knuckles, and it saddens him, it truly saddens his stony heart when he raises his wet, bruised lips to kiss the arm that would have once gripped Levi harshly, but was now a mass of nothing. He kisses the stump instead, his hands caressing the end of Erwin’s shoulder, drawing down to kiss it again, and –

“No.” Erwin jerks back, his eyebrows furrowing and teeth clenching. “No, Levi, don’t. Not now.”

“I’m sorry you’re ashamed of yourself, you piece of shit.” The captain ignores the stump now, unbuttons Erwin’s pants to place his lips on the hardening member between his legs. He hears Erwin inhale sharply as Levi’s teeth graze the head, lips pulling back along his shaft – oh, they haven’t been intimate since Erwin lost his arm, and the realization makes Levi harden as well. He moves his head slowly, Erwin’s head thrown back as he sat on the bed, pants around his ankles, tasting the saltiness of precome, and he moves his mouth back and rubs the now fully aroused cock with his hand, looking up through heavy-lidded eyes at the blonde man with the now dull blue eyes. Once Erwin had been passionate when the fucked, throwing Levi against desks, kissing his neck so hard that he had to wear ‘marks of pride’ as Mike called them, groaning loudly as he came into Levi’s tight ass, his _arms_ , oh his arms were so strong then. Levi feels defeat sting his eyes and he lets go of Erwin’s cock. Where was his Commander now?

“Finish me, boy.” Erwin mutters through gritted teeth, his legs spread. “Quick.”

“Fuck me.” Levi is still on his knees, but now he stares straight at Erwin. “Fuck me, and finish yourself.”

“No.” Erwin whispers. “Levi. Finish me.”

“No.” Levi is stubborn and strong and resilient, he is stone in water. “Fuck me, Erwin, like you haven’t done in a month.”

“I shouldn’t.” Erwin’s lip twitched, and his eyes darkened till they were almost not blue.

“Well. Fuck you then.” Levi rose, but he doesn’t leave. He slowly unwraps the gear from around his waist, undoes the straps and buckles agonizingly slowly, and slides his pants down, exposing his hard member and slender, pale legs. No underwear, he thinks brusquely, just how the Commander likes it. He strokes himself slowly, as Erwin watches with hunger blazing in his eyes, his cock curving up toward his abs. He unbuttons his shirt, undoes his cravat to reveal his boyish, heavily muscled chest, his pert nipples, all the while stroking himself. He ignores Erwin, and lays back on the bed, spreading his legs invitingly and raising himself on his elbows, sucking his fingers, wetting them. Fuck me, Commander, he thinks with a scream in his head.

But he doesn’t, and Levi slides a finger into himself, slowly, feeling the muscles clench around his finger, and he aches for more – but no, he _must_ show Erwin what he would be missing with his moping. He moans slightly as he pushes the finger deep into himself, _oh_ , and he needs two fingers now or he would burn into nothingness, two fingers sliding wetly in and out of him, his breathing quickening as he clenches delightfully around himself, three fingers now, oh _he was going to burn_ , but Erwin only watches, his breath shaky and stuttering, aroused, his cock straining upward, dripping with precome, but his fist is clenched on his lap. To masturbate to his boy fucking himself would be defeat, but to shove his cock into Levi’s ass now, he _couldn’t—_

Levi seems not to mind, he has four fingers inside now, his legs spreading farther open like a slut, his eyes heavily lidded. It was with a groan that Erwin hoisted himself up onto his knees between Levi’s own, palmed his cock a few times before roughly pulling the captain’s hand from his hole, watching it gape- he was ready, Erwin, are you? Erwin breathes heavily, his eyes flashing again as he balances himself with one arm over Levi, torso over torso, cock poised over Levi’s entrance and he pushes himself in roughly, hopefully he will be sated quickly, hopefully he won’t have to face Levi like this again. He is shaky, Levi notices about his lover, the big, armless shoulder resting heavily on Levi’s own but the younger man does not complain, no- not one word, because he is filled with Erwin, there is something blissful inside him as Erwin clumsily thrusts into him, something that tethers him to home and Erwin and breathing.

“Fuck---“ Levi cries out in pain, the bliss broken by his shrillness as Erwin’s arm gives out and he collapses, his entire weight landing on the slender man’s chest. He groaned quietly, as Erwin moved off him hastily, pulling his cock out, his remaining arm shuddering from the exertion as he roughly pushes Levi away and lays face down on the rough-hewn mattress, his breaths shuddering and halting, his back sweaty. Levi feels tears come to his eyes at the state they have been pushed to, what they had become, and lets one slide traitorously down his face before wiping it away, drying his eyes roughly – but Erwin does not notice, his back still turned and his chest heaving with tired, ragged breaths.

“If you dare to start crying, Erwin you shit,” Levi swears crassly. “I’ll go straight to the capital and sell myself to the king, let him fuck me to kingdom come.”

“Damn it, Levi.” Erwin turns around, his face is dry – Levi notes with a blooming thankfulness. The blonde man gives a tired laugh. “I can’t even make love to you anymore.”

“Is that the main fucking problem in the world, when there are Titans screaming outside of the walls, when there are bloody Titans _among us_ , and you’re sad that your huge-ass cock is what matters?” Levi chides him, trying to inject humor in the blinding darkness, the thunderous silence. Loving Erwin, that one-armed man, that cripple with the brilliant eyes, it was like dancing to no music. Or swimming on dry land. He touches the man’s tremendous shoulder, feeling the cords and ropes of muscle beneath the naked skin.

“Levi, what can I do now?” Erwin whispers, and he sounds like something inside him has died a slow death, or perhaps was still dying. “I cannot do anything. All these goals for humanity, I though – even after I lost my arm, I thought I could do the world brilliance, I could single-handedly, _literally_ single-handedly vanquish the world of everything that made it revolting. Levi, I have made so many shitty decisions, I have lost so many lives, but I had one goal. I did not care, I _do_ not care about the lives, if I reach that goal, but now – now that I can’t even fuck my boy, what use were those lives?”

“They almost hang you, and you come here dripping with regret?” Levi scoffs, sitting up in bed, his inky hair a mess. “Oh look, I almost got killed, I’m reformed now. Is that what you are, Erwin? A fucking sad cliché?”

“It’s not the lives I regret, although I may soon.” Erwin closes his eyes and swallows audibly. “I-“

“What is it?” Levi hisses.

“I—“ Erwin starts, but something seizes him and he closes his mouth, exhales.

“What is it, you shitty old man?” Levi hisses, his eyes darkening dangerously. “What’s this fucking crap, then, if it’s not your pathetic regret, or some extended shock about your arm. What else, Erwin? What the fuck is keeping you back from this, from _me_ , from what we, and you used to be?”

“Levi, I can’t-“ Erwin grins wryly. “If I tell you, you actually may have to sell yourself to the king like you promised.”

“You’re pathetic.” Levi laughs, before caressing Erwin’s face, some sort of calm dripping into him. He kisses the man’s cheekbones, his brow, his chin, his lips, fast and in succession. He rips the sheet off, and notices in delight that Erwin was still hard, and he strokes the man’s cock slowly, before letting it go, and straddling Erwin’s hips, letting his weight rock slowly, his ass rubbing against the aroused member.

“I don’t need you to hold me and fuck me into a desk, Erwin.” Levi bent down to kiss Erwin’s chest, his erect nipples, and his sweaty pectorals. He rises up, and slowly lowers himself onto Erwin’s cock, feeling the fullness rise in him, and he clenches, eliciting a groan from the man who lay beneath him. He moves slowly, his hips gyrating, his eyes heavy and sensuous, hips lips parted. Erwin moans quietly, staring into Levi, as if he could tear him open with merely piercing eyes.

“I don’t need you to, ah—be the fucking martyr, or blame yourself. I don’t need you to pick me up with two arms.” Levi moves faster, riding Erwin, sweat beading out on his slender back, Erwin’s cock is clenched and relaxed by the muscles in his lover’s ass, he thrusts awkwardly to meet them, his eyes clouding over – he was close, as Levi bounced on him, his cock wet and curving upward, dripping with precome.

“Some—sometimes I want to fucking help you walk, or bandage your arm. Sometimes I want to help you eat, or --- just, _fuck_ , Erwin---“ Levi moans as he reaches climax, his cock spurting out thick ropes of come, his eyes blinded by only his lover, his lover, the one-armed man with the eyebrows and the weird hair, his fucking lover with the once-strong arms, and the commanding voice, Levi pants, riding his high and his lover as he watches the come drip down his cock onto Erwin’s stomach, he moves faster—and the commander follows him into bliss, his eyes rolling, and his lips parting to call Levi, Levi, Levi – the name had sounded godlike to him when it is spilled from Erwin’s lips in the heat of sex.

They are dirty old men, Levi smirks as he pulls away from Erwin, the older man’s seed wetting the inside of his thighs, but today he doesn’t want to be a fucking priss and run to clean himself up, today he ignores the feeling and lies beside Erwin, a hand resting on the other’s muscled chest, feeling their breathing even out. Levi props himself on an elbow, and looks at Erwin’s disheveled hair and the slight golden stubble around his chin. He kisses him softly, asexually on the lips before drawing away as Erwin’s mouth opened, ready to say something.

“The crowd.” He said quietly, but his voice seemed to resonate around the room. “The whole crowd, did you see how many people there were?”

“I don’t know.” Levi muttered. “A few thousands. What’s with the crowd, old man?”

“So many people.” Erwin breathes shakily. “What, Levi, is the use of devoting your life to saving humanity, when the whole of humanity itself comes to watch you hang?”

Levi gets it, and he wishes he didn’t.

“Fuck that crowd.” He swore, eyes glittering. “Fuck that crowd because when you come back through the walls, still pathetic and one armed, but your plans the reason all those shitty Titans are dead – that’s the same fucking crowd that’s going to cheer your sad old ass though the gates.”

“Levi.” He says, and means it. There’s that smile on his face, the young captain notices, that he had that time Hange and Pixis had told him of the Titans being originally human – and he was going to comment on it, but the smile broke suddenly and Erwin threw an arm over his eyes, his shoulders shaking silently. He wasn’t laughing this time, Levi notes with a burning in his eyes, but he doesn’t cling to Erwin, or viciously soothe him, no, he merely sits in the dimness with a hand on Erwin’s half-gone shoulder, stroking quietly – not a word is said.

“I’m sorry.” He says later, his blinding blue eyes closed and his voice steady.

“Stop apologizing, you piece of shit.” Levi lets a smile touch his lips – just once. “Get some rest. And a shower later, mind you.”

“You too.” The commander grunts. “Sleep, and then take the shower with me.”

Levi says nothing and watches the blue eyes, the lids heavy with coming sleep. He lays a hand on Erwin’s stump, and he does not push it away. That’s enough for me, Levi thinks with a fierce delight, that’s all we need.

Oh it’s got to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it? 
> 
> Leave me a prompt at ervinslevi.tumblr.com
> 
> Please do consider leaving me a comment, as they actually make my day, and make me very happy. 
> 
> Thank you sweethearts!


End file.
